​     I’ve always loved to read and with business school ending this year I got some free time to read for pleasure. My favorite genres are autobiography and adventure. Here are a few books I read and what they meant to me.

Salt In My Soul: An Unfinished Life by Mallory Smith
Salt In My Soul is the story of Mallory Smith, a woman who was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at the age of 3. Mallory shares her quest to live a normal life while battling the brutal disease that is often invisible to the naked eye. The book is in journal form and follows Mallory’s life from age 15 to her death at age 25. This book was moving because Mallory was so open with her life from questions about death to vulnerability with love. I got teary at the end but admired her family’s strength. All profits for the book are being donated with a majority of the funds going toward cystic fibrosis research. Special thanks to my friend Tamara Stone for introducing me to Mallory’s story!

Shoe Dog by Phil Knight 
Nike has always been one of my favorite companies, but I never knew the story of the company’s early beginnings. Shoe Dog shows us how Nike went from Oregon startup to global empire. I was amazed not only by the detail of Nike’s founder’s account of the company’s early days but with his grit. Many times, Nike almost failed; many times he gambled it all. Netflix is set to create a movie based on Shoe Dog.

We’re Going to Need More Wine by Gabrielle Union
I’ve never met Gabrielle Union but when I listened to her audiobook it felt like she was sitting across from me telling me her story. The audiobook is read by Union and her book is written with such frankness and humor. It felt like an older sister sharing her scars and strength.
 
Call Me By Your Name by Andre Aciman
This novel is beautifully written and allowed my imagination to travel to the Italian Riviera for an unforgettable love story. The romance between a teenager and a guest at his parents’ house is raw and passionate. There was a movie adapted from the novel but I’ve yet to see it; the book was so good I don’t want to ruin it!

Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes
I one day hope to work in the world of entertainment production so tracing the steps of the powerhouse behind Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, and How to Get Away with Murder was great. Shonda is a self-described introvert who for one year decided to say yes to everything that scared her. The great opportunities she accepted and things she learned about herself were truly inspiring.
 
The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
There was a lot of hype around this book so I thought I’d check it out. I appreciated the level of detail Tartt used when describing the famous painting and art in general. The nearly 800-page novel spanned several years and countries. I appreciated an unpredictable ending and an imperfect narrator.
 
Bossypants by Tina Fey
Tiny Fey is funny and a great comedic writer so it’s no surprise her autobiographical book is hilarious. Tina takes us from her early days in Pennsylvania to helming 30 Rock  at NBC. Along the way we see how Tina survived college, landed her first job, and manages motherhood.


​It was great to get back to reading at such a high volume and I look forward to tackling more books in 2020!
 
 
 

​        God can use us at any point in our lives. Sometimes I get in the habit of thinking God can’t use me until my life is “together.” But is our life ever really fully together? In our mess God can use us. The other day a friend was down and texting me. I told her to write her blessings down and she would quickly see how they outnumbered the bad things in her life. I had just been instructed by the Holy Spirit to do the same activity a week prior. As much as I feel like I’m in a bare, stripped season, God is still allowing me to pour into other people. I’m grateful for this season of peace, growth, and insight. I know if my life would have taken a different path post MBA aka diving right into a job I would not have gotten a chance to reconnect with my family who in the previous 2 years I saw once or twice each year. I wouldn’t have the chance to do a bible study with my parents and put the finishing touches on my memoir (which I’m tentatively planning to have on shelves fall 2020!) Not to mention the food is great and free at home! I say all that to say—in an uncomfortable stage God is still working and I’m discovering in every stage I can help someone else. Despite my circumstances I can see God’s goodness. I’m grateful to have a home to come to and recollect. Every day I saw homelessness right outside my door in LA. People who slept on the sidewalk and were thankful for even half a sandwich. My perspective is forever changed. 

     I also noticed in this stripped down season that I learn from God the most. In this season I was reminded that my value and identity doesn’t come from a job, a title, or a relationship. And I know that this season will pass. I have hope in the Lord.
    “But those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31
    “But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans 8:24-25.
     In this season I am waiting patiently and I know that this period will be a testament to me later and even an inspiration for others right now.
 

       I’ve often used the analogy of a horse in a starting gate for many aspects of my life; to signify something is getting ready to happen. But the problem with this analogy was that I perceived things as paused or waiting to start when in actuality things were already in motion. When a horse is at a starting gate it may be momentarily waiting to take off, but this race isn’t the first time the horse has tasted action. When I think about my own life, I think about starting a new career as me behind a starting gate waiting to take off. I grew discouraged because I thought I was just waiting for things to happen. But then God reminded me that so many other things have happened to get me to this point, and I’ve been preparing for a while. Most horse races are around two minutes, but we all know that horse has been training for a lot longer to prepare. In our preparation we may grow weary with no end in sight, but God is faithful.
     “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40: 31
 
     “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18.

​       For the first time in a while I’m feeling content and fulfilled in my dating life; and, I’m not actually dating anyone! I’m filled with the Holy Spirit and this is bringing me contentment. Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of messages on being filled with the Holy Spirit. This is something we should ask for in prayer. I heard a great Word from Pastor Toure Roberts of OneLA on Pentecost Sunday on the Holy Spirit. The pastor mentioned how what we may perceive as a physical need may actually be spiritual. We need to pray for more of the Holy Spirit because the Holy Spirit is God; the Holy Spirit does not have Favor, the Holy Spirit is Favor. The Holy Spirit will attract everything to us we need. 

       Recently in prayer I had a revelation: I’ve never been able to be myself spiritually in a relationship. This struck me because I often check to see if I’m able to be myself in the general sense…do my jokes land with the person? Do they mind I speak in many vocal styles (often times in the same sentence!)? But my spiritual life is often kept separate from my relationships. Even if God is broached in relationships, I’ve never been on the same page with anyone. I’ve encountered various scenarios from this person only follows certain scriptures to this person doesn’t believe the Bible is divinely inspired by God to this person has some strange interpretations and views. Through it all, I remain optimistic. While I was struck by this revelation in prayer, I was also encouraged; one of the true marks of the right person for me will be that I won’t have to feel like I need to dim my spiritual light for them. Not only will they support my spiritual life and dreams but they will have dreams of their own; our purposes will align; they too will be overflowing with the spirit.
      “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12
       As far as when people find each other, whether it’s a business partnership, marriage, etc God works in many ways and often accomplishes the same thing for people in different ways; there are several examples of this in the Gospels. In Mark 8:22-26, Jesus spit on a blind man’s eye and put His hands on him to restore his sight. In Mark 10:46-52, Jesus heals a blind man by asking him what he wants, to which the blind man answers he wants to see, and Jesus tells him to go because his faith has healed him. In Mark 5: 35-43, Jesus healed a dead girl by grabbing her by the hand and telling her to get up. In Luke 7:11-17, Jesus touched a coffin and told the boy inside to get up. These examples and many more show how during Jesus’ time on Earth He performed similar miracles in different ways.
So when you’re waiting on God for your miracle, don’t box Him into performing it a certain way.
      “See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43: 19

       As I wind down my job search for a full-time position after completing my MBA, I thought waiting was the worst part of the process but actually not having anything to wait for or hope for is the ultimate worst. That signifies a loss of hope, imagination, creativity and honestly loss of trust in God. God is never done with us. I believe He plants dreams in us through our entire time on Earth that are in His will for us to complete.
     “When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139: 15-16
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“In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.” Ephesians 1: 11
     Contentment through the wait is critical; gratitude for new opportunities, challenges, tests, and ultimately growth is necessary. What is being taught in the wait? What is being refined? 

        A wait for a job brings opportunities to grow professional skills and catch up with friends and family.
        A wait for a relationship brings opportunities for self-discovery and confidence growth.
   It’s hard to see it now but waiting is rarely regretted. We may never know the terrors and trials God is helping us evade during an extended wait.
     I know God hasn’t failed me yet and I’m sure He never will.
    “For nothing is impossible with God.” Luke 1: 37
    We all have a track record of how He’s brought us through. We have no reason to stop trusting Him; so, we should remain patient and faithful during our waiting period. Even if no evidence is provided to comfort us. Did Noah receive a drop of rain before the flood? Did Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego feel a cool breeze before entering the fiery furnace?
     Stay strong in the faith, future generations are depending on it.
   “They will tell of the glory of your kingdom and speak of your might, so that all men may know of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.” Psalm 145: 11-12
 
 

     Ahh breakups, so hard but so necessary. As I go through this process again the lyrics to the 2007 Leona Lewis          “Better in Time” song come to mind.

“Thought I couldn't live without you
It's going to hurt when it heals too
Oh yeah (It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too
Oh (It'll all get better in time)

Since there's no more you and me (No more you and me)
This time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is
I will be fine without you
Yes I will”

       

           During this hard time, I have to comfort myself and keep putting one foot in front of the other. When I get down, I tend to get lethargic but now is not the time for lethargy. Like most breakups, I saw it coming but put it off. I think because the relationship started when I was in a point of transition (the summer in between business school years) that I believed I needed the relationship to carry me through the next transition (graduation and life beyond business school). I think the fatal flaw in that thought is I became too dependent on that person and was placing burdens on them meant for God; our relationship was supposed to last a season and I was trying to carry it into another. And now I’m depending on God to heal me and carry me into the next season.
         “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isiah 46:4
Friends and family have been helpful in this process, and honestly I’ve cried more from their words of encouragement than from the actual relationship ending.
      “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.” Proverbs 27: 9
      What makes a lot of breakups difficult is that they don't end badly and the person wasn’t a bad person. So feelings will inevitably linger but in the end I know that differences between us would make for a contentious marriage that ultimately wouldn’t bring God glory. Here’s a quote from the late Billy Graham,
   
​   “The ultimate thing we can say about marriage is that it exists for God’s glory. That is, it exists to display God. Now we see how: Marriage is patterned after Christ’s covenant relationship to His redeemed people, the church. And therefore, the highest meaning and the most ultimate purpose of marriage is to put the covenant relationship of Christ and His church on display. That is why marriage exists. If you are married, that is why you are married. If you hope to be, that should be your dream.”

    As I move forward, I’m seeking God for next steps. I’m excited to grow closer to Him and get more involved in ministry.

​XOXO
Marilyn

    Sometimes it is hard to have a long-term vision for your life and not grow impatient or ungrateful in the present. I think just as God exists as Three Distinct Persons (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) we must think of our lives in three planes: the past, present, and future. We must thank God for our past—the lessons learned, the blessings provided—and our present—His provision and protection—and our future—His blessings and Sovereignty. And when we grow impatient in the present to remember, what God promises us will come to pass.
   “For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.” Habakkuk 2: 3
   Commentary (Life Application Study Bible, NIV): To trust God fully means to trust Him even when we don’t understand why events occur as they do.
    As we are operating in our present and trusting God for next steps in our path, He is right there, ready to provide the tools we need.
   “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” James 1:5
   This wisdom will enable us to make the right choices and decisions to be in places where God intends us to be—where we can receive our blessings.

    “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place where he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him to the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.” Hebrews 11: 8-10.
     Commentary: Do not be surprised if God asks you to give up secure, familiar surroundings in order to carry out his will.
     I don’t know your particular situation but as you work toward your next, I pray you thank God through your present, and give Him praise for carrying you through your past.
    “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5: 16
 
God bless!

​        Knowledge is definitely power. In order to make changes, we need to become knowledgeable or exposed to things. I for one am grateful for Apple’s iOS update that included Screen Time stats. I set social media app time limits for each day and monitor my screen time from week to week to see if it has hopefully gone down. The reports are pretty detailed, and I can even see how often I pick up my phone and what is the first thing used when I do. I was surprised to see the first thing I usually go to are my messages (then email then Instagram, I’ll see if I can get Instagram down on the list!). I liked that my first thing was messages because I thought that showed some intentionality; I’m usually picking up my phone to respond to a message; otherwise its tucked away so I can be more productive. As much as I love scrolling through various timelines lately, I’ve been feeling like hmmm what else could I be doing? Could I be on a business or trade app reading up on the latest trends? Could I be reading a book for pleasure? (I’ve recently started Creativity Inc.: Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration). Could I send a message to someone I haven’t spoken to in a while?

    Moving forward I would like to be more intentional with my phone; and, more broadly speaking, more intentional with my time. I heard a great message from Pastor Toure Roberts recently about prayer (link below). A portion of the Lord’s Prayer is “Give us today our daily bread…” (Matthew 6: 11), each day has great value. Pastor reminds us that the most valuable day is not tomorrow or yesterday. If our greatest day was yesterday, why would God bring us into today? And tomorrow is not guaranteed. So we have to be intentional with the time we are given. It is said that procrastination is the arrogant assumption that God will give you another opportunity to do tomorrow what He anointed for you to do today. That really got me. Prayer is something that I’ve always struggled to do consistently well each day; but, now this is something I want to be more intentional about. Each day I want to seek God’s Wisdom on how He wants me to utilize the day. I’m confident if I intentionally seek God each day using the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6: 9-15) I will have a great year. I encourage you to be intentional and do the same. I’m sure your life will be blessed.

P.S. Let me know if you have any prayer requests

​Link to Sermon: https://youtu.be/psUnwM0ZH_o

​         I’m generally not one for formal new year’s resolutions but often times I find myself reflecting going into the new year and resolving to make changes to my spiritual habits. Whether through a school break or a work vacation, I find myself with more time to reflect at the end of the year. For 2019, I want to use a prayer journal. For awhile I’ve been wanting to bolster my prayer life and say more meaningful prayers. My morning prayer time can be solid sometimes but in the evenings I find myself praying right before I go to bed when my energy is at its lowest. Doesn’t God deserve my full strength? My prayers would often follow a social media scrolling session or streaming time. I need to get back to prioritizing God over my screen time. So I’ll be praying earlier in the evening to make sure God gets my best.

        I also noticed that I journaled and made requests to God about certain aspects of my life but not all. If I could see God moving so clearly in some areas of my life through my journaling what other things was I overlooking by not documenting it? Writing things down is so powerful and helps me see how God is moving in my life. I can see through journaling over the last few years how I prayed through my graduate school application process and got accepted to how I asked God for specific traits in a significant other and not two weeks later I met someone who exhibited all of them :) But I also want to move beyond myself in my prayers and see these same miracles in other people’s lives. This is way I am resolving to do a prayer journal for not only all aspects of my prayer life but for many aspects of others. I’ll also touch on community and world issues. I’m hopeful that throughout the year I will see God’s work and progress. I welcome you to join me in this journey.
       “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
     “Again, I tell you that if two of you on Earth agree on anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18: 19-20.

       My spirit was stirred during a recent church service to restore back intimacy in my relationship with God.  I caught myself on the other side of a storm and in a place of calm. It’s in the storm that I’m closest to God and my faith is the strongest. I always tell myself I want to be close to God whether I’m in the valley or on the mountaintop but inevitably I find myself drifting away during times of less resistance and struggle in my life.
But I believe God is gracious and gently prods us to return to His presence during times of distance and when we seek Him out, He hears us.
       “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Jeremiah 33: 3
       Commentary: God is ready to answer our prayers, but we must ask for His assistance. Surely God could take care of our needs without our asking. But when we ask, we are acknowledging that He alone is God and that we cannot accomplish in our own strength all that is in His domain to do.

           As I worked to restore my intimacy with God, I decided to journal. I enjoy journaling because I’ve always liked to read and write. I love to journal prayer requests and concerns because then I can look back and see how far God has brought me. I think embedded in our passions is the most intimate and natural way we can fellowship with God. As a writer and communicator, I feel closest to God when I’m journaling, blogging, reading commentary, or simply speaking with Him. For musicians, you’re highest form of intimacy may be when you’re strumming your guitar or humming; for outdoors people, it may be when you’re hiking or surfing. God is so great in that He’s made us all different; your fellowship with Him will look like no one else’s.
          “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the Earth, your eyes saw my unformed body…” Psalm 139: 14-16
         So as we are all unique, I encourage you to make your intimate time with God your own; whether you find yourself journaling, singing a song, painting; whatever it is I encourage you to continue to stimulate and grow your relationship with God. He is always there, patiently waiting for you to draw near.
         “Come near to God and He will come near to you.” James 4: 8.