Ahh breakups, so hard but so necessary. As I go through this process again the lyrics to the 2007 Leona Lewis “Better in Time” song come to mind.
“Thought I couldn't live without you
It's going to hurt when it heals too
Oh yeah (It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too
Oh (It'll all get better in time)
Since there's no more you and me (No more you and me)
This time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is
I will be fine without you
Yes I will”
During this hard time, I have to comfort myself and keep putting one foot in front of the other. When I get down, I tend to get lethargic but now is not the time for lethargy. Like most breakups, I saw it coming but put it off. I think because the relationship started when I was in a point of transition (the summer in between business school years) that I believed I needed the relationship to carry me through the next transition (graduation and life beyond business school). I think the fatal flaw in that thought is I became too dependent on that person and was placing burdens on them meant for God; our relationship was supposed to last a season and I was trying to carry it into another. And now I’m depending on God to heal me and carry me into the next season.
“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isiah 46:4
Friends and family have been helpful in this process, and honestly I’ve cried more from their words of encouragement than from the actual relationship ending.
“Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.” Proverbs 27: 9
What makes a lot of breakups difficult is that they don't end badly and the person wasn’t a bad person. So feelings will inevitably linger but in the end I know that differences between us would make for a contentious marriage that ultimately wouldn’t bring God glory. Here’s a quote from the late Billy Graham,
“The ultimate thing we can say about marriage is that it exists for God’s glory. That is, it exists to display God. Now we see how: Marriage is patterned after Christ’s covenant relationship to His redeemed people, the church. And therefore, the highest meaning and the most ultimate purpose of marriage is to put the covenant relationship of Christ and His church on display. That is why marriage exists. If you are married, that is why you are married. If you hope to be, that should be your dream.”
As I move forward, I’m seeking God for next steps. I’m excited to grow closer to Him and get more involved in ministry.
I hear God the most when I am my most bare. I’m striving to put my devices down and spend more time with God, but I admit I struggle sometimes to look away and unplug. Not too long ago I heard from God in the shower. The bathroom is where I hear from God the most because I have no distractions; no phone, no TV. I can’t remember what I was thinking about, but God told me as clear as day, “If you were meant to live [insert person’s name]’s life, then you would have been born that person.”
I know I’ve heard from God when the message is so simple yet so profound at the same time. To know this truth puts my mind at ease. In the wake of social media and being bombarded with dozens of people’s highlights every day, it’s easy to compare. God had to remind me that He makes no mistakes, and nothing catches Him off guard. I’m exactly where I need to be and I’m exactly who I’m meant to be. I’m not quite sure what impact I will leave on the Earth but the world needs Marilyn Renee Vaughn, not another [insert person’s name].
I had another cool revelation not too long after this one was when I was reading the 1 Corinthians chapter on love.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
After reading this I realized…hey maybe I’ve never been “in love.” It’s easy to look back on past relationships and relish in the good times, but this scripture reminds me that what I was looking back on wasn’t love. Particular portions that jump out to me are “not self-seeking” and “keeps no record of wrongs.”
Most relationships I had in the past were not healthy and didn’t hit many of the characteristics in this passage. But moving forward I do have a blueprint to match. I’m always confident in God that one day I will find His definition of love.
“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one's house for love, it would be utterly scorned.” (Song of Songs 8:6-7)
Fellow blogger Heather Lindsey put it well when she said, “Don’t waste your entire life chasing down people that don’t see your value and worth.” I was doing just that and have been guilty of doing that several times in my life; be it work relationships or romantic relationships. Hopefully the cycle ends now. Let’s make the decision today to stop chasing after the wrong people and their love and approval when we can accept God’s love that He offers to us so freely.
“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19
Commentary: When you feel shutout or isolated, remember that you can never be lost to God’s love.
As far as romantic love goes I’m sure we’ll know it when it comes along.
“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.” Song of Songs 7: 6-7
Sounds nice! Haven’t found that yet but all in God’s time.
“…I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Song of Songs 2:7
Can I be real for a second? Life has gotten a whole lot better once I started to utilize my phone’s block list! If I would have known how much peace would have come from this, I would have started using it a long time ago! The blocklist represents moving forward and trusting God; utilizing faith and trusting that what He has for me is better than what I’m trying to cling to from my past.
“Therefore come out from them and be separate, touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a father to you and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” (2 Corinthians 6: 17-18)
While I’m excited about “my future,” I’m relishing in my present. Patience is a daily struggle for me but I’m feeling really peaceful these days. I’m letting go and letting God, especially with my personal relationships. For a few months, I had tried to take the reins and the end result was disastrous, to say the least!
While it sucks learning lessons the hard way, God always restores us.
“Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back…the Lord will again delight in you and make you prosperous just as he delighted in your fathers, if you obey the Lord your God and keep his commands and decrees that are written in this book of the law and turn to the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.” (Deuteronomy 30:4, 9-10)
To me, one of the keywords in that scripture is obey. God loves and needs obedience from us.
“This is love for God: to obey his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world.” (1 John 5:3-4)
Yay, how exciting! And we can do it!
“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life…” (2 Peter 1:3)
I was really racking my brain for something to write about and I thought what’s really going on in my life now? I really can’t complain; I’m blessed. But if I did have one bone to pick, it would be about this constant mental battle I have. It deals with getting over people. The other night I was lying in my bed and I asked God to help me get over certain people. And clear as day He told me to “Kill the Illusion.” I knew this Word had to be from God. It was so clear; something so simple that I couldn’t have come up with myself. Maybe you need to kill the illusion too. I tend to let my imagination run wild and fantasize about people; make them perfect in my mind. That Word from God was telling me that I need to take some people off their pedestal and see them for who they really are. They are not meant to be a part of my life anymore, and the person(s) absence is best. Not that anyone who comes into my life will be perfect, but some people are not meant to be a permanent part of my life. I need to let them go, and better yet stop chasing them/wanting them to come back. I’ll be the first to admit, it’s hard to let go when you don’t have anything to grasp on to next. But that’s where faith and God come in.
“For just as the suffering of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.” (1 Corinthians 1:5)
He will be our comfort during hard times and lonely times. Right now, I’m pouring into my passion which is writing, tending to my blog, as well as reading my manuscript again. I’m really pushing to have a memoir published in the next few years.
Trusting God is so hard sometimes; especially when we can’t see the next step. I think the biggest area I’m learning to trust God in is relationships. For a long time, I hid this area from God as if He couldn’t see it. I thought, “You know what God I got this!” But actually, He knew more than me. Duh! He can see down the line when that person is going to stop replying to texts or when they’re going to move onto someone else long before we even know what’s going on.
I’ve learned when we trust God, He protects us from so much heartache. When we stick with Him and keep Him involved in our relationships, He reveals so much to us and saves us so much time. Now don’t get me wrong, there have been a few times when I could feel the Spirit telling me someone wasn’t right for me, but I proceeded anyway. But God is so good when it’s all over, He doesn’t say “I told you so.” He welcomes us back into a close relationship with Him.
So I guess I’ve realized that when my relationship with God is healthy so are my other relationships. As long as I keep God first, He’ll guide me in the right direction. I’m doing my best to follow Proverbs 4:23 which says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring for life.”
***wellspring= a source or supply of anything, especially when considered inexhaustible.
So if our hearts are the source of our joy and happiness, let’s protect it.
Let’s trust God, I’m confident He’ll bring us the right person at just the right time.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
“ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11)
Hi! I'm Marilyn!